Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.Thank you for visiting Brainoplasty! Which… hooray for me, I guess? Because it’s supposed to be a holiday that women really like, and men really hate. And both sexes just want to kill everyone if they happen to be alone.
And also it’s made up by greeting card companies.Written by Brookelin Thorpe I hear.
And that just pisses people off to no end. Kinda like how they hate Christmas being all about buying shit instead of going to church. Or reading the bible. Or like… 10 other things that not a single person actually wants to do.
Because, god… people just hate themselves some over-commercialized holidays. So let me start by saying…
I love Valentine’s Day.
I’m not even getting anything this year and I love it. I also love Christmas. And I love Halloween. And I especially love Easter. I even like Mother’s Day thoughWritten by Brookelin Thorpe I don’t have a single child.
Why? Because I’m a fucking capitalist. That’s why.
Uncle Sam wants you to buy some shit.
Because I know your broke assThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! better not be a goddamn commie. If there is one enemy that can compete with the Nazis for America’s hate, it’s a goddamn commie.
What do the commies do? They live off the government and, in turn, they also work for the government. The government says you’ll be a farmer, you’ll be a fucking farmer. Because you’re a commie. Or something.
You know what capitalists do? They work for companies who competeThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! with each other to supply the demand for goods. And if there isn’t a demand for goods, we will create one. Because that is how you make money. That’s called entrepreneurship (good god, I can’t believe I spelled that word correctly the first time. I didn’t know you could use that many e’s in one word).
The hell was I talking about?
I have this friend… which is surprising.
I have this friend who is very hardcoreThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! Ms. American Values. Socialized healthcare and all other assistance is a sham. State-run operations are a sham. Government anything is a sham. It’s all hard work and privatization for her. Businesses should just be left alone to do the everything. Big Brother just needs to back the hell off and let companies breath growth back into the economy.
She also hates the ever-loving shit out of advertising. Especially holiday advertising.
This is a woman who will answer the phone just for the chance to scream at a telemarketer.Written by Brookelin Thorpe Commercials are the devil and targeted ads are the very bane of her existence.
With all this hate for unsolicited pitching, I wonder how a good ol’ American company is supposed to do some good ol’ American capitalizing? After all, you can work your ass off all day long, but if nobody’s seeing what you’re selling, it ain’t going to pay for your root canal.
We’ll recognize the need for cash flow in every single business that has existed ever, but goddamn it if that meansThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! somebody is going to try and sell you something.
This goes right along with anotherWritten by Brookelin Thorpe phrase that drives me batshit — “that’s where they get you.” As in, “well yeah, the app is free, but if you want any of the upgrades, you have to pay for them. That’s where they get you.”
Holy every loving christ. You mean they want a goddamn exchange of money for services – as in half the reason currency was ever invented?!? What sort of witchcraft are those bastards playing at?
What is it you think people get paid for, I wonder?
Sure, maybe they like creatingWritten by Brookelin Thorpe whatever it is you want to use, but how is that supposed to pay their electric bill, change their oil, or make sure they live off of something other than food stamps? They have to charge you for something.
Where do you think your employer gets the funds to pay you, for whatever it is that you do? Unless you work for the government, at some point, somebody at your company had to solicit a good or a service to some outside persons in exchange for cash, and some of that solicitous cash has wound up in your pocket.
Congratulations. I’m sure that advertising has,Thank you for visiting Brainoplasty! at some point, paid for you to even be able to read this article.
I suppose that’s why we get allWritten by Brookelin Thorpe worked up over it. Some holidays have a very deep, very reverent meaning to us – like Christmas. Others are neither deep, nor reverent, nor meaningful – like Valentine’s Day. And seeing both used to make Big Business even more Big Businessey pisses us off because… because we feel like what other people do with that should change our experience of it? Or it doesn’t change our experience, but we see other people experiencing it in that different way and we just can’t handle that shit. We’re doing things the right way and everybody else needs to be made aware of that. This paragraph is entirely too long.
While advertising might pad your wallets throughout the year, holiday consumerism is directly Thank you for visiting Brainoplasty!responsible for hundreds of thousands of jobs every year.
300,000 employees were hired between 6 businesses alone last year to prepare for the holiday shopping season. That’s 300,000 whole jobs in place of ones that weren’t there before.
Do you know what sortWritten by Brookelin Thorpe of impact that has on a person’s quality of life? For some, it might be a second job; for others, it might be a new job after a dry spell; for others still, it’s the very first job they’ll ever have and a stepping stone to being a productive member of society. I had trouble finding my first job for a year before the holidays hit when I suddenly got three offers – one of which I took up (and kept for another two years). All because somebody decided to equate your holy day with lots of presents, decorations,Written by Brookelin Thorpe and cashy-cash.
The lesson here is that probably the things you hate are also the things that are creating the jobs you complain about there not being… because there is absolutely no pleasing you.
So next year, when you’re gathered around Thank you for visiting Brainoplasty!the Thanksgiving turkey table, instead of whining about how they’re playing Christmas music already holyChristTHISholidayIsn’tEvenOverYet, replace that with an added “I’m thankful for…” comment, instead. And bask in all the baffled looks of your relatives.
Thank you dear lord,Written by Brookelin Thorpe for all those really annoying commercials I hate. Thank you for their bounty.
The problem I have with people’s view on income today is this sense of deservingness.
In a perfect capitalist societyWritten by Brookelin Thorpe – in a perfect any society, really – people get from the world what they put into it. In this case, what they’re getting is money. As in – that a person’s income theoretically reflects their contribution to society.
We all know that reality often doesn’t work out the same way it looks on paper, and this is no different.
People do not earn what they deserve. People earn what they can.
That’s an important concept to get hammered into your head for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s what I was getting at in my earlier article “A Man With a Helmet.”
There we talked about this ridiculousWritten by Brookelin Thorpe picture that’s going around the Internet – and why it’s based on an absurd premise.
The premise of no fucking duh.
Is a soldier doing more for the American people than a football player? I’d assume so. If Facebook whines about it enough, will soldiers ever be paid more for their services than football players? Not a fucking chance. No way, not ever – not unless maybe you’re a communist.
Why? Because a football playerWritten by Brookelin Thorpe can command more income than a soldier can.
A soldier does more or less the same thing that many other people do – and nobody wants to pay to watch them do it. Thank you for visiting Brainoplasty!A football player fills a specific spot on a specific team and then millions of people pay to:
- go to the game
- watch the game from home
- purchase team jerseys
- whatever else sports fanatics do… I’m actually not sure how that works.
We’re cool with throwing money at the NFL,Written by Brookelin Thorpe but like bloody shit if we’re going to pay more taxes.
Because for us, we can’t directly see what we’re paying for. As far as citizens are concerned, all our hard-earned cash just vaporizes into a hole owned by the IRS.
And then we bitch about the mind-numbing pay gap between two types of workers who both happen to wear helmets. While simultaneously complaining about how all the people who “do more” in society (like, uh… stock brokers and real estate investors?) have to pay higher taxes to support all the dead beats who don’t make as much. AND THEN go back to bitching about how people are only out to make money and will shove ads down your throat like there absolutely is a tomorrow, and they want to see a yacht in it.Written by Brookelin Thorpe
So… we’ve established that pay grades aren’t always “fair,” and yet the entire right wing of society blindinglyThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! continues to insist that people with more money deserve more money. Because we’re stuck on this unrealistic ideal in our head that capitalism is all about ‘fair’ instead of ‘can.’
I’m not saying that the population called “rich people” don’t deserve their money. I’m just saying that ‘deserve’ is a starkly imaginative concept.
Yes, I’m sure you worked very hard for it. Probably. Or to get to where you are. Or, you’re special in some way and can do things otherThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! people can’t. But, we could also sit here all day and not run out of things to talk about in the debate: does a soldier deserve to make more money than you. And also, does a soldier make more than you (although in all fairness, probably for the entirety of my readership, that would be a resounding ‘yes’).
And, more specifically: why? What makes them more deserving? Or less deserving? What makes an executive producer more deserving than you of income. What makes a farmer less so?
I’m not saying the system’s wrong. I’m just saying that it’s an imperfectThank you for visiting Brainoplasty! system made-up by imperfect people to deal with a cruel universe that is probably right now utterly baffled by this concept we call ‘fair.’
It’s something to think about, is what I’m saying.
Edit: By way of incident, I found this amazing article by a Christian blogger about Christmas and consumerism that you should totally give a read.